I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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