someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
