Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
