I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i think im in europe. pls send help
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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