i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
