Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
