I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
