The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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