You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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