i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
