I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
