I love black thongs
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
