My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
