I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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