I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
