all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
