Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
