Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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