walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
