made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
