i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
