My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
