good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
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