Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
where are you?
Hypothermia
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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