I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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