I met the friendliest cop last night
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
