I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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