dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Everything about him screamed your future.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
