There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
