If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
