so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
