I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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