I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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