Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
