you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
