we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
