Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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