I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
