Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize