Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
