you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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