My liver just broke up with me...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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