GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
