i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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