There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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