clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
