why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
