I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
