It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize