Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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